Moving from control to empowerment

"This is a story about control."

Or is it?

Like many (and I mean MANY) young gay boys, there was a time when I dreamed of being a backup dancer for Janet Jackson (Miss Jackson if you're nasty).

I spent hours and hours teaching myself choreography from several of her music videos in the one-bedroom apartment I shared with my sister in college (where I slept on a futon). I even trained as a dancer for a couple of years, but alas, my height got in the way (that's my story, and I'm sticking to it).

While that dream didn't pan out, it was still fun to fantasize and feel inspired. I credit her music with my ability to maintain my physical AND mental fitness during my college years (and beyond).

Janet's music and messages still inspire me today (though I try to avoid performing the full choreography out of respect for our condo neighbors downstairs).

Her hit song 'Control' has EXTRA relevance because it's one that I've included on my 4D Fit Mental Fitness Playlist.

The irony being that the song's message about "control" is really about EMPOWERMENT---that is, NOT being controlled in what we say, or controlled in what we do.

Freeing ourselves from those controlling forces and limitations that hold us back from being our authentic selves—to feel and do our best, to make honest and healthful choices, to pursue our dreams—is what empowerment is all about.

Using empowerment to reduce conflict.

When we're more focused on controlling outcomes or others, we're less focused on acceptance and empowerment.

The physiological conundrum is that "control" involves imposing stress or pressure to force an outcome, that often results in a stress response (i.e., triggering the amygdala, producing cortisol, reacting with resistance, etc.) that can contribute to less healthful outcomes.

That's maybe why some say, "If you love it, set it free."

Because growth happens when the weight is lifted, and we're allowed to develop freely, with healthful guidance and support---without the imposing and restrictive forces of control.

Empowerment is really about reducing pressure, having faith and trust in ourselves and each other to do the healthful thing (even if that means learning from our mistakes), to accept what we can't (or shouldn't) control.

And it isn't easy! When something is out of control, or outside of our control, it feels risky and dangerous.

And sometimes controls are necessary to maintain order, to feel safe when we're afraid.

That said, it's just as important in those moments of fear to understand WHY we feel stress, or react with resistance, and why it's often hard to feel and do our best when our freedoms are limited or restricted.

So when I find myself irritated, worried, or anxious about a conflict or confrontation (with a flush face and racing heart), I take a breath and focus on empowerment.

I ask myself, "How can I help everyone involved feel and do their best?"

When I approach a conflict with an attitude of empowerment, to accept and respect everyone involved, brains are calmed, defenses are lowered, communication is more effective, cooperation replaces resistance, and a more healthful outcome is achieved.