Are you forcing people to “in” or “out” themselves? (Part 1)
EDITOR'S NOTE: I choose to use the term "heterosexual" rather than "straight" that originated from the construct of "morally straight" at a time when the terms "gay" and "lesbian" were used to define those who were considered ill, abnormal, immoral, and sexually careless. While the terms "gay" and "lesbian" have since evolved to have a healthier and more empowering definition, it is my belief that LGBTQIA+ people can still be morally straight, and that not all heterosexual people are—in terms of how I define "morality" as honest, fair, considerate, forgiving, compassionate, and responsible.
Discussing sexual orientation and gender identity in a healthful and inclusive way is immensely important, and it can also be quite challenging, especially when religious and political dogma get wrapped around them—perpetuating the cross-cultural "us vs. them" ("good vs. evil") paradigm.
It can make trying to do the "right thing" seem like a moving target in this ever-changing world, that requires continued discussion, learning, and acceptance.
The purpose of this 3-part article is to discuss that often gray area between creating a safe and welcoming environment, and unwittingly contributing to a rigid and intimidating environment that demands conformity (with related stress and health implications).
Topics include:
Part 1
Understanding the stress & struggle
Are you struggling with your identity? That’s totally OK.
Start with awareness & stress reduction
Promote safety rather than checkboxes
Sexuality & gender are different but related
Why healthful representation matters
Consider not answering an honest answer (not a political statement)
Turning good intention into healthful execution
Whether you've struggled with your own identity or not, if your goal is to help foster a more welcoming, healthful, equitable, and inclusive culture for all, then I hope you find this 3-part article helpful, healing, and stress-reducing.
Understanding the stress & struggle
While providing the opportunity to share and recognize one's gender identity voluntarily is absolutely a critical part of equity and inclusion, REQUIRING disclosure is not.
Unfortunately, I have recently attended classes, meetings, and events where every person was not just given the opportunity to voluntarily share their gender pronouns but required to publicly declare them upon registration (with no "other" or "no preference" option provided), during personal introductions (with no time or consideration for deeper discussion), and/or on their name tag in the space provided; as if gender identity should be so simple and easy for everyone.
As someone who has struggled with my sexual orientation and gender identity, I can confirm that it is not.
Requiring everyone do the same might seem harmless enough for those who haven't questioned or struggled, but forcing those who may still be struggling with their sexual orientation and/or gender identity—that can take place at different times in life—to either "in" (i.e., lie) or "out" themselves is short-sighted, ill-advised, and potentially harmful.
The additional implication being that if you don't have or share preferred gender pronouns, then you may be excluded, questioned, or even perceived as a bigot or trans-phobic. This "in or out" pressure unwittingly creates another unhealthy layer of stress on top of stress.
Without proper awareness, discussion, or understanding, or a concerted effort to reduce fear and stress, what's intended to promote equity and inclusion can actually be quite triggering and traumatic.
Are you struggling with your identity? That's totally OK.
Most importantly, those currently struggling with their gender identity and/or sexual orientation need to feel understood and supported, even if they're not yet comfortable enough to think about it, admit it, accept it, or share it.
The road to self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-love is a long and winding one, that is different for every person. For many, it might take years, decades, or a lifetime to achieve full self-acceptance (if they are fortunate enough to get there).
Wherever you are in your journey, know that you are who you are meant to be, even if it feels complicated and confusing, and no labels seem right; even if some labels scare you, or are used to shame and belittle you.
Above all else, remember that no label will ever define you, because only YOU can decide and define who you are—whether or not anyone else is able to accept or understand.
So please be patient, gentle, and kind with yourself and others, and don't be quick to shame or judge—that may require practice in stress management.
Start with awareness & stress reduction
The fact is that accepting and loving one's authentic self is NOT an easy process for everyone and can be very stress-inducing. This stress is compounded by imposed social norms and expectations (of which we need fewer, not more) that limit one's ability to speak and feel freely, to question, explore, discuss, discover, evolve, accept, and understand the complexities of the human condition (and the limitations of language) in their own time, in their own way, without pressure, shame, or judgment.
After being in the closet nearly half of my life, I can testify that it is much easier to let others make assumptions about you while you take the time needed to figure yourself out (including the difficult task of challenging your own thoughts and perceptions), rather than being asked and forced to lie point-blank (that is incredibly stressful).
It is this intense level of mental and emotional stress to comply and conform that so often contributes to physical and mental health issues for LGBTQIA+ people, including hyper-tension, anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, eating disorders, drug abuse, self-harm, and suicide, to name a few.
Of course when one IS ready to share, someone asking might be a welcome stress reliever; but when one is NOT ready, someone asking can cause extreme stress.
This is why emotional intelligence is of utmost importance, to be aware of cues that indicate one's emotional state, to foster a culture of acceptance and support for every person in both verbal and non-verbal ways, without resorting to limiting labels and stereotypes.
It’s also critically important to stay educated and updated on the ever-emerging scientific discoveries that help us understand ourselves and each other from the inside-out beyond dogmatic beliefs that we’ve been taught and told, as we continue to learn and discover more about the human brain and nervous system. Sexual orientation and gender identity are but two aspects of neurodiversity of which there are many, since we as humans are as diverse on the inside as we are on the outside. While discussions and understanding of neurodiversity remain quite narrow and limited in many ways, often only used in reference to a handful of diagnosed neurological conditions, understanding the broad spectrum of neurodiversity that applies to all humans will open the door even further to greater understanding, acceptance, and care.
That's why continued learning, awareness, and embracing ambiguity are so critical too, to break down those mental, emotional, and social barriers that get in the way of health, healing, and well-being. We have so much more to learn and discover about ourselves and each other through authentic expression, curiosity, and communication—to figure out the best way to navigate this evolving experience we call "being human," to help everyone thrive, that is neither won-and-done nor one-size-fits-all.