Are you forcing people to “in” or “out” themselves? (Part 3)
Whether you've struggled with your own identity or not, if your goal is to help foster a more welcoming, healthful, equitable, and inclusive culture for all, then I hope you find this 3-part article helpful, healing, and stress-reducing.
Topics include:
Understanding the stress & struggle
Are you struggling with your identity? That’s totally OK.
Start with awareness & stress reduction
Promote safety rather than checkboxes
Sexuality & gender are different but related
Why healthful representation matters
Part 3
Consider not answering an honest answer (not a political statement)
Turning good intention into healthful execution
Consider not answering an honest answer (not a political statement)
Just because someone "says" they are one gender or sexual orientation on a Monday does not necessarily mean that is their authentic truth. They might be struggling inside, not even ready to think about it, or still processing safely in the closet.
The real hope and goal is that under the right conditions (internally and externally), they might come out that Tuesday, or maybe decades later—whatever timing works best for them, that's for no one else to decide.
So if you would like to promote more gender inclusive environments, invite those who feel the need to share their gender pronouns voluntarily to do so, with an "opt-out" or "no preference" option for those who would rather not for personal reasons.
It should be understood that no response is an acceptable response, to not be questioned, judged, or interpreted in any other way.
Realize that gender identity and sexual orientation are neither political nor fashion statements, but very complex parts of our being that may take time and effort to unfold.
This might leave some wondering, "How will I know which gender pronouns to use, to make sure I don't offend anyone?"
When in doubt, the safest option to reflect your inclusive intent and avoid offense is to simply use the gender-neutral non-binary pronouns "they/them" rather than the gender-specific binary he/she, him/her, or his/hers.
Also know that if someone is ready and willing to share, they will. It is not for you to force or decide for compliance purposes, but rather accept and relax.
Quite simply, always put people before politics.
Fear and worry only create MORE stress and pressure, so be gentle and forgiving with yourself and others. There is no black-and-white or easy answer, so embrace the gray and challenge of being human. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can have more comfortable and inclusive conversations with less fear and stress.
What matters most is treating everyone with compassion, patience, dignity, and respect.
Turning good intention into healthful execution
While good intention is an important starting point when it comes to diversity, equity, inclusion, and well-being, the most important question to keep asking is, "Are we achieving the healthful outcomes we want?"
As important as it is to foster safe, welcoming, and inclusive environments, when policies and procedures lose sight of the complex mental and emotional processes involved, they are more likely to resort to exclusion, compliance, and conformity as the "easy" answer.
Rather, consider how you will respond or react when someone does decide to come out, to declare different gender pronouns than they did at the last meeting or event. Will you be ready, shocked, surprised, doubtful, or have questions? Will you show support and understanding of the immense courage and emotional energy that it takes to come out publicly? Will you act like it's no big deal? Will you regret forcing them to publicly declare before they were ready to share? Will you ask every person if, how, and when they would like to share instead?
That's why I cringe when people are forced to declare their preferred gender pronouns publicly, to be "in or out," with no other choice, rather than being given the voluntary opportunity. The mental and emotional stress and struggle of “coming out” is still very real for most, that can dramatically impact one's health and well-being, and should always be accepted and respected.
So if you are not yet comfortable talking about the complexities of gender identity or sexual orientation, or you don't know how to go about it in a healthful and inclusive way without expecting everyone to easily check a box, then talking about the gray in a very human way is the best place to start.
It’s important to get comfortable with this complex discussion, to reduce stress and foster a safe environment that allows people the time and space they need to understand, accept, explore, express, share, and open up on their own terms (including you).