Are you forcing people to “in” or “out” themselves? (Part 2)
Whether you've struggled with your own identity or not, if your goal is to help foster a more welcoming, healthful, equitable, and inclusive culture for all, then I hope you find this 3-part article helpful, healing, and stress-reducing.
Topics include:
Understanding the stress & struggle
Are you struggling with your identity? That’s totally OK.
Start with awareness & stress reduction
Part 2
Promote safety rather than checkboxes
Sexuality & gender are different but related
Why healthful representation matters
Consider not answering an honest answer (not a political statement)
Turning good intention into healthful execution
Promote safety rather than checkboxes
When it comes to self-acceptance and the BIG DECISION of coming out to family, friends, colleagues, and strangers alike, a sense of safety is a critical first step to facing and healing one’s fear and pain—that should be the priority of every diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging initiative (DEIB+) and wellness program—without perpetuating fear, shame, and stigma.
If you are struggling, the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek a safe person you can talk to when you feel ready—whether a friend, family member, colleague, therapist, or other health service provider—who will NOT label or judge you, who doesn't require you to check a box, who will respect your privacy and process of self-discovery, healing, and acceptance.
If you are an ally, it's important to be aware of the many questions one who is struggling might have as well, including (but not limited to)...
"What will happen if I come out?"
Will I still be loved and accepted by my family and friends? Will I be judged, ridiculed, or attacked? Will those who previously embraced me suddenly reject me? Will I have to reject my family, friends, religion, political party, team, job, culture, neighborhood, or other social group? Will those who previously rejected me suddenly embrace me? Will I have to conform to their views and beliefs? Will I have to change my appearance or the way I act? When is the right time? Why do I need to label myself? What if I don't choose the right label? Will people question me? What if I don't know all of the answers? Will people start talking about me behind my back? Will I have to explain or defend myself? Will people stop seeing me as me, and start seeing a stereotype? Will people pity me or think I'm ill? Will people give themselves a pat on the back for embracing me, like they should be commended for accepting me? Will "coming out" ever end if I have to tell everyone I meet, with the same questions every time?
"What will happen if I stay in the closet?"
Will I feel safer and happier? Can I be happy without anyone knowing my struggle? How long can I keep this a secret? Will people just leave me alone and stop asking? Will I have to keep making up excuses and dodging questions? Can I just avoid answering so I don't have to lie and feel guilty about it all the time? How long will I have to lie and deceive people I care about? Will people consider me a liar if I come out too late? Is there such a thing as too soon or too late? How long will it take me to figure myself out? Will I always be this way? Will I always feel forced to conform to be accepted? Will I be able to seek safety or escape? Will I ever be able to be honest with myself and others? Will I ever be truly loved? Will I be able to find true love? Will I ever truly love myself? Will I ever stop caring what other people think, or feeling the need to conform to their standards?
If you are struggling, please know you are not alone, and that there are people who understand and accept you for the complex person you are, whether or not you feel ready to open up (that is totally up to you).
Me with my toddler self.
Sexuality & gender are different but related
It's important to note that while sexual orientation and gender are separate aspects of identity, how you are raised can make a big difference in how you interpret both.
If you are raised (like I was) to believe that only women should be attracted to men, and that only men should be attracted to women, then gender identity and sexual orientation can become blurred—understanding gender based on who you find sexually attractive. It can be extremely confusing and complicated to try to understand and differentiate when you only have yourself to figure it out.
When I was around the age of 4, I remember wondering if I was a girl in a boy's body. I felt more comfortable around girls than boys, and that's all I knew at that point.
It took me 25 years of intense self-examination, introspection, doubt, fear, shame, self-discovery, and exposure to healthful examples before I finally reached a place of self-love and acceptance that allowed me to say, "I'm gay."
By the time I joined Facebook, I was ready to share with the world, including extended family, former high school classmates, and coworkers (come what may).
What nobody ever told me, though, was how the “coming out” process is really lifelong, with every new person you meet—and the importance of being patient, kind, and gentle with yourself, as you face your fear each and every day (that DOES get easier over time, with more healing experiences—and more social support!).
Me with my husband and nieces after our Wedding Day.
Why healthful representation matters
When I first came to terms with my sexual orientation, I had a hard time saying the word "gay" because it came with so many negative connotations and stereotypes.
I had been ridiculed for being a “sissy” and “not man enough” for so many years that I became self-conscious and ashamed of my feminine characteristics, feeling the need to prove my masculinity in some way—not just with men, but women too (across the political spectrum).
It was only after I experienced healthier representations and interpretations of being "gay" that I started to identify and felt more comfortable with the label as a good thing.
The same evolution happened with the word "man" too. As I grew, I did not necessarily feel that I was in the wrong gendered body as transgender, so I looked for healthier representations of men with whom I could identify (like Mr. Rogers, who also shared my birthday!). With role models who more closely reflected how I felt, I eventually came to embrace and define "masculinity" on my own terms, that included embracing (not rejecting) my “femininity” as well.
Who decides what "masculinity" and "femininity" really mean?
Unfortunately, we have loaded the terms "male" and "female" with so many cultural biases, connotations, expectations, and stereotypes—with so much unhealed fear, pain, and anger that perpetuates the gender war for dominance and superiority—that adds to the stress.
As people continue to use labels in highly divisive, derogatory, and stereotypical ways—limiting who to include, and who can do what—I increasingly find that many do not fit my individual values, feelings, or self-identity, that require love, respect, and acceptance.
Thankfully, there has been greater attention and awareness of the gender spectrum in recent years, not only for transgender people but non-binary, non-conforming, and gender fluid individuals as well.
No longer do I allow narrowly defined labels to define me. It is really up to each of us to define the labels for ourselves, rather than letting the labels define us; because words don't give themselves meaning, we do.
Therefore, I have honestly only started considering my own gender identity since learning more about non-binary terms, and which will best reflect my gender—emotionally and socially.
At this stage in my life, I am not personally offended by any pronoun used in reference to me when it is used respectfully. What does offend me is prejudice and disrespect, and the implication that I must choose and share with people who don't even know me, to comply and conform (that is the problem, not the solution).
So I continue to ponder—should I allow narrow definitions to define me? Or do I grant myself permission to decide how to define myself on my own terms, in my own time, in my own way, regardless of what others say (just as I did with the term "gay")?